bigger and, hopefully, much better adventures and headed
down to Mahogony Ridge. (The local pub)
"Hey there Sureshot!" I called out to my favorite barkeep.
"Slap me down a cold bottle of the infamous
Hemlock Lake water and one quick shot of Jim Beam
and I gotta git a-goin'."
"How's ol' Cody doin' today?" he asked as he poured the
mind altering liquid into my shot glass.
"Not too bad." I answered. "I been doin' some spring yard work
back on the ranch, but, I was afraid I'd get too much accomplished all
at once so I decided to come out to play for awhile.
Ya seen my ol' pal Skeezik today?"
Just then ol' Corncob came out of the men's room.
( you remember Corncob,...the one that walks funny?)
"Hey Cody. How's it goin'? I saw the foolish one, Skeezik,
earlier this mornin' at the bridge in town. He should be along."
"Hey, Corncob, I didn't know you were here." I said.
"He's been in the men's room for ten minutes." Sureshot replied.
"I was beginnin' ta think he'd fell in or something."
Corncob just grinned that "I'm guilty" grin that always
hangs him and Sureshot looked first at me, then back at him.
Corncob sat down next to me with his beer as
Sureshot headed for the men's room.
"You gnat-brained half-wit. Can't you ever leave things alone?"
It was Sureshot yelling as he came out.
"Every time I put a new sign that says 'DON'T FLUSH'
in there this pickerel-faced dweeb changes it to 'DON'T BLUSH'.
I tell you Cody, every bar just CAN'T have a Corncob and
a Skeezik to contend with and I'd be glad to share mine
about 6 days a week."
"Well," I laughed. "you gotta admit, they DO cut the boredom."
Just then the king of buffoonery danced through the door.
"I'm home ma." Ol' Skeezik was grinnin' from ear to ear.
"Sometimes I wish this WAS yer home, Skeezik." Sureshot replied.
"Cuz then I could move out. Do you want a beer?"
"Just one and then I'm takin' Cody and Corncob out of this
den of dasterdly doin's and off to the land of giant fish."
"And just where would that be?" Corncob inquired.
"Well, lads I think we'd outa head for the high country for
a day or two of campin' and stream fishin'. Whaddya say?"
"Keep the change, Sureshot, we'll bring you back a fillet of Tarpon." I yelled as we ran out the door.
Next thing I knew we were in my van and headed for
the high country. We'd picked up Slim who demanded he ride
up front with me since he was still remembering the last trip
North when Skeezik whopped him up side the head with his empty
beer can.
Half in the bag, we arrived at my ol' pal Bill's camp in Osceola
and as Bill watched us jump out of the van with a case of
beer and two bottles of homemade grape wine in hand he burst
into hysterical laughter as good ol' Skeezik caught his toe on the
bent rocker panel of the sliding van door and lay face down in
the first mud puddle.
"You ain't gotta drink that muddy water, Skeezik." Bill heckled.
"I got fresh stuff in the 'fridge."
"Think I'll stick to the wine." Skeezik answered.
"But do you have a dry shirt I can borrow.?"
"That figures." Slim shook his head. "Leave it to a 3-watt like
you to go on a campin' trip and not bring any clothes."
"Shuddup, leech breath, I remembered the booze didn't I?"
"Well, there you go." I said. "You can't expect a man of ol'
Skeezik's caliber to do any more than that."
"What caliber is that?" Corncob asked. ".22?"
"No." replied Slim. " Pellet!"
"Aw go take a walk in the leech field." Skeezik yelled.
"If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to
blow your nose."
Bill and I were already headed inside and after a couple
drinks Bill said he'd show us where to set up camp and catch
some nice fish.
Heading up some of the bumpiest back roads I'd ever been
on turned into tons of laughs watchin' ol' Skeezik's head bounce
back and forth off the side of the van at every bump.
THUD! THUD!
But he was the only one that didn't know it because he was
out like a light.
Arriving we decided to hit the stream and save settin' up camp
'til later because like Corncob always says..
"never do today what you can put off 'til tomorrow."
On the very first cast Bill landed a nice Brown and with a 'yahoo '
and a well-planned cast Corncob slung his lure about 15 feet
up into the nearest tree.
About that time Skeezik woke and came out of the van still totin'
his wine bottle lookin' mighty mad.
"Slim, you're lower than a snake's belly in a wagon wheel rut.
I oughta knock you into the middle of next week."
"What are you babblin' about fool?" Slim replied as he continued to cast.
"You know what I"m talkin' about. I ain't got these lumps on the
side o' my head fer nothin'. A man can't even pass out a few
minutes but what you gotta rap him in the head."
"You half-wit, Skeezik." Corncob laughed. "Your two thirds empty
skull played ping-pong with the side of the van all the way up here.
Don't blame poor Slim."
"That's right Moon-eye breath." Slim replied. "But I sure should
have paid you back while I had the chance.
Remember the time I passed out and you painted my
finger nails red? I can't believe I let you live."
By now between lures and bait we'd landed about ten
decent eatin' fish and I turned to notice Skeezik standin'
by the van, still holdin' the wine with a very highlighted pouting face.
"What's the matter now?" I asked as everyone turned to see.
"I fergot my pole." Skeezik answered.
Corncob laughed so hard he fell right into the stream.
************************ SPLASH!! ******************************
"Skeezik," Slim laughed. "It's understandable that you'd forget to
take soap to the shower but this is ridiculous.
Just look what you've done to that poor idiot, Corncob.
You know he can't laugh and stay balanced at the same time."
"Long as ya got no pole," Slim said. "you may as well start gettin'
them fish ready fer the fry pan."
"ME??" Skeezik squawked.
"Yes, YOU!" Corncob answered as he climbed out of the creek.
"You can't fish without a pole. Now do you also want to go hungry?"
About ten minutes later I walked up to see how Skeezik's
cookin' skills were comin' and to my sheer amazement he
had one large pan full-an'-fryin'.
As the other guys walked up to see me sitting on a stump
with head in hands Bill asked...................
"What's the matter Cody?"
"Just look in that pan." I said.
They all looked and there lay three nice browns bubbling
away in a stick of margarine.....cut in chunks........
NOT EVEN GUTTED.
"You gull-faced nit-wit!!" Slim yelled. "You didn't even gut the damn fish."
"That's no big deal." Skeezik replied. "When the guts bubble out
you know the meat's properly cooked; and it sorta creates
a sauce at the same time. You just try it and see."
"Try it??" Slim yelled. "I'll cram it all down yer wine infested
throat 'til it comes out yer ears."
Me, Bill and Corncob were dying of hysterical laughter to the
sight of Slim chasin' Skeezik through the brush with a large
piece of that gut-bubblin' fish in his hand. We could still hear
the brush crashin' as we began to properly fillet the remaining fish.
A few hours later we'd drank all we could from the booze cache
and flopped down into our sleepin' bags. Slim and Corncob were the
first to rise and rather than fish they took a long piece of line and
tied it to a tree branch over Skeezik's head. On the other end
dangled a life-like Tarantula about 3 inches from Skeezik's face.
Then they pushed a metal tent stake into the ground on each
side of Skeezik, fastened a heavy rubber strap from one stake
over his chest to the other, stood back and told Skeezik to rise
and shine. BOY DID HE SHINE!
"AAAHHHH!! AAAAHHHHH!! HELP! HELP!" Skeezik screamed.
I thought we'd die watching poor ol' Skeezik tryin' to get out from
under that strap. Slim and Corncob headed on a dead run across
the stream to search for a safe spot and Bill and I tried to bait our
hooks through the tears in our eyes.
A couple hours later the boys returned from downstream with a
few fish askin' the whereabouts of the dreaded Skeezik.
"I think he went upstream lookin' for crayfish." Bill said.
Just then Skeezik came crashing out of the brush yelling like a
banshee on a dead run straight for Slim and Corncob.
In his hand he held by the neck the longest water snake
I'd ever seen.
The last thing Bill and I saw was Skeezik chasin' them two
on a full sprint down the road.
"Might as well load up, Bill." I said.
"Yah," Bill returned. "We'll probably pick them up down the
road a mile or so and maybe they'll be too tired to play for awhile.
"You know, Bill." I said on the way down.
"The only people that think Disneyland is a big treat
never been fishin' with the likes of................
........SLIM, CORNCOB,....and yes
good ol' SKEEZIK !!!"
