Author
CODY DOUGLAS
It's up at the end of I-81 near Alexandria Bay, which is in upstate NY,
on the St. Lawrence River. If they're gonna catch perch up there
Skeezik could see no reason why we shouldn't get in on it and being
in full agreement, Slim, Corncob and I, and of course Skeezik,
were once again headed North on the interstate.
Corncob and Skeezik sat in the back of the van guzzlin' beer so that
they might look and feel their best when we hit our destination and
everyone would know that they we were ' top-notch ' anglers.(?)
"Hey, 3-watt." Skeezik yelled at Slim. "Pass the bread back will ya?
We'd like a sandwich 'fore ya eat it all up."
It sounded good to me, because if Skeezik was eatin' maybe he'd got
tired of moonin' everybody I passed. Slim tossed back the bread.
He tossed back the bologna.
"Care for some mustard?" he asked. And with that he turned and squirted
a good sized stream of mustard into Skeezik's face.
WHAP!!! Ol' Skeezik laid Slim up side the head with a pound
of choice bologna.
"Take that you skinny-headed bone factory."
"Sorry, Skeezik." Slim laughed. "Let me wash that mustard
off yer ugly puss."
With that Slim proceeded to spray down his face with cold beer.
Of course Corncob got caught in the middle and soon the beer was
flying all over the place.
"Havin' fun now, ain't we Cody?" Corncob chuckled. "I ain't had so
much fun since my brother got his lips caught in the egg beater."
"Yah." Skeezik laughed. "You p'obly turned it on."
"I did!" Corncob laughed. "That's why he don't talk so good now."
With a little persuasion I was able to get them all calmed down as we
left the interstate and pulled into Keewaydin.
Now there's a little hill there where you walk down to the docks and
being as how Corncob can't walk too good anyway, he stumbled and
rolled all the way down.
He would have rolled right into the water but he stopped when he
slammed into a 350 pound woman sitting on a lawn chair with rod in
hand and no sense of humor what-so-ever as she crashed
to her side on the dock.
"What's the matter with you, pip squeak? You want yer face pushed
into that pail of worms?" she said.
But instead she just casually drove him into the water.
We hauled Corncob out and said we were sorry, but he'd slipped on
a squashed frog. She didn't seem to believe us so we moved on to a
safer part of the docks.
"Kind of reminds ya of that wrestler, the Canadian Earthquake, don't she
Corncob." Skeezik chuckled.
"Kind of reminds me of my wife!" Corncob laughed.
Soon we were all settled down to fishing.
It was crowded, however, and you had to be mighty
careful about casting out.
"Hey, Corncob." Slim asked. "You want me to cast yers out fer ya?
It might save gettin' tossed in again."
"Shuddup, gill face." Corncob replied. "I can out cast you any day."
"Hey, there goes a tour boat!" I yelled. "I wonder what they get to
see on a ride like that."
Just then we noticed a couple of tourists appear to be taking our picture.
Not quite understanding that, I turned to comment to the boys and
saw what they saw.... Skeezik up to his old moonin' tricks again.
"You white-cheeked idiot!" Slim hollered. "Ya tryin' ta git us arrested?"
With that he gave Skeezik a rap on the side of the head and being that
he was still bent over moonin'........off the dock he went; MOON FIRST!
It was quite a sight watching Skeezik try to spit water, pull up his drawers,
and curse Slim all at the same time.
By the time he got his pants where they belonged the big waves from
the charter boat hit him solid and slammed his empty forehead into
the dock. THUD!!!
Corncob helped him onto the dock while he cursed and I pretended
I didn't know him.
"Slim, you sorry son-of-a-rock-bass-faced puke, I'll get you for that."
"Boys, boys!!" I intervened. "You gotta at least TRY to act a bit civilized.
We're in public here you know."
"So what?" Corncob answered. "Bertha the bison is here and anyone
can see that she should be inside a fence somewhere."
"Maybe I oughta tell her you said that." replied Slim as he tossed a
nice Perch into his pail. "She'd p'obly deal you a good whoopin'."
"Get serious, worm breath." Corncob answered. "I'd hit her so many
times she'd think she was surrounded. Just one half decent karate
punch an' she'd be in the bay flounderin' like a beached whale."
"I didn't know you'd taken up Karate, Corncob." I said.
"Allow me to give a small demonstration." he answered.
And with that he spun around with a highly unskilled swing of his
backhand for the back of Skeezik's head. But, luck would have it that
it was just that moment that Skeezik bent over to grab a worm.
Slim had just casted out and was taking a step backward to sit on his
pail when the psuedo Ninja swat landed up side his head.
WHAP!!
In one swift motion the thoroughly riled Slim swung his rod tip around
to smack Corncob with it but instead it smacked poor ol' Skeezik
smack in the center of the goose-egg knot he'd recieved from the
dock on his forehead.
"Hey!!!!" Skeezik yelled. And with that he gave a kick at ol' Slim that
missed and knocked Slim's pail of perch back into the water."
I thought all hell was gonna break when.......
"Everything O.K. here boys?" asked the Park Ranger.
"Oh, sure." Skeezik replied. "I just slipped on some perch eyes
some-body left layin', but it's O.K."
"Just be careful," the ranger added. "We don't want anyone to drown."
"We'd like Skeezik here to drown." Slim replied. "It's just that we wouldn't
want to go to jail for such a needed deed."
Fortunately the ranger was already walking away and didn't hear.
By now it was REAL crowded and two guys had gone straight out from
us and anchored their boat to fish.
"Hey, pickerel face, git that stinkin' san pan outa there." Corncob yelled.
"Any half-wit kin see we're castin' in there."
I wasn't sure if they COULDN'T hear, or WOULDN'T hear, but they
did not move.
"Skeezik," Corncob said. "You better swim on out there and loosen
a few molars."
"Why me?" Skeezik asked. "You're the big ninja turtle ain't ya?" he
laughed. "Better yet, git yer new girlfriend over there to do it!"
"I oughta cast this bait right into their boat." Slim snapped.
"I can hit that boat in two casts." said Corncob.
"I can hit that boat in ONE cast." replied Skeezik.
And the next thing I knew all three buffoons were bouncin' sinkers
off the side of that boat and I was diligently makin' my way across
the dock with my pail of Perch.
"Where ya goin'?!" all three yelled.
"To Mahogony Ridge, where its safe." I replied. "Catch a ride down
with Big Bertha."
But they were already followin' me, pushin', shovin', and still soundin'
like the banty roosters I so dearly love to have around me when-ever
and where ever I happen to fish!